Hello?? Are you There?

I'm here with my kids nearly every day, all day. Yet, lately, I feel like I'm not 'with' them enough. I'm not engaged. I'm just passing time, trying to get through each day. I'm here, but I'm somewhere else.



Strange to say that I'm a SAHM, and I feel like I'm not 'with' my kids enough.



I feel like I'm just passing the time from one event to another. Like right now -- I'm sitting here on the computer, Big is watching 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' for the 100th time on the TV, and I'm waiting for Little to wake up from her afternoon nap. And when she does, I'll have to find something to fill the 90 minutes or so between that wake up and my 5:30pm dinner making date. Then it's a quick two hours of meal, clean up, bath, stories, bed. Then tomorrow it starts again . . . wake up, drop off, dentist visit, kill an hour, pick up, lunch, naps, dance class, dinner, baths, bed.



Nowhere in there do I feel like I'm setting aside enough time to actually BE with my kids. I should bust out Big's preschool book and do activities with her . . . or I should at least sit with her and let her snuggle with me while she watches her movie . . . but I want to do something else.



I know other moms feel this way. I know I'm not alone. Please tell me I'm not alone. Tell me that I'm not the only one who -- after repeated requests to do so -- sits down to color with my 4 year old and immediately feels the urge to get up again. As soon as I sit down, I suddenly think of something that that needs to get done. Rarely does 'whatever it is' that has come into my mind actually NEED to get done right then . . . but, for some reason, it's like -- as soon as I engage with my child -- I feel like there is something else I'd rather do. Something else I should be doing.

I'm horrible. But, agian, I can't possibly be alone.

I force myself to do it -- play with my kids, color, watch movies with them. Sometimes I time myself . . . "Sit here with them until a quarter 'til . . . then you can get up and do something else . . ." Like I'm putting my time in.

Granted, it isn't always like this. And it seems to happen more often when we are at home, with the million distractions, million other things that need doing. When we are out of the house, I tend to be much more engaged and fun with the girls. Sounds crazy, but it's true. Sometimes, I even take us places because I know they will get my undivided attention if I do. And I know these little girls deserve my undivided attention more than I seem to give it to them.

What makes me feel real shame is the fact that the girls are not even here, just hanging out, THAT much these days. Weekends don't seem to count becuase I feel like that is my approved 'Check Out' time -- Jim is around to help and play, so I'm allowed to take an extra long shower or spend too much time on Facebook. I don't feel as guilty then. And we go to preschool all week . . . dance, gymnastics, etc. . . so there isn't a whole lot of time left for me to just BE with the girls. Still, when the time presents itself, I often find there are umpteen other things I want to get done.

Maybe it's the constantly racing mind of a mom. Maybe it's the boredom of being a stay-at-home-mom. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm 32 and want to do something more with my free half-hour than play Elefun again or watch the same episode of WorldWorld one more time.

Ah, but when I do 'put my time in' -- I often end up feeling like it was so much fun, so much more than I thought it would be. I find a teaching moment, I get a funny comment, I learn something new about my girls. So, though I might sometimes be forcing myself, I will continue to make an effort to be here more with my girls.

Because Kindergarten is looming . . . and Little wants her independence more and more each day . . . and I feel the pressure of the shortness of time. I will keep putting my time in as long as these girls are here and actually want to spend time with their mommy.